What you can do against heartache and separation pains

In the beginning it's the great love and then all of a sudden it's over and done with. A separation is sometimes unavoidable. And how to turn it: It is a painful process for people of all ages, because they say goodbye to a common future, to common hopes and dreams. Even if the reasons that led to the separation can be understood from the head, the heart often rebelled against it for a long time.

We have feelings of revenge, depression, anger, despair, jealousy, crying - a real chaos of feeling. One moment you curse the ex-partner, the next moment you revel in romantic fantasies of return.

But why is it all that? Let's look at love from the hormonal point of view. Hormones cause the initial intoxication of being in love. Then they provide the feeling of happiness and satisfaction in a lasting relationship. When we are abandoned, the love hormones suddenly disappear and we suffer from withdrawal symptoms. This causes feelings like grief, depression and despair. And as if that wasn't enough, stimulation hormones are also released. Adrenaline, norepinephrine and dopamine cause anger and aggression, but also trigger desire. Then there is the stress hormone cortisol. This makes us restless and sleepless. Our hormone balance is in a state of emergency, this is the biological explanation for love sorrow. "Yes, but what good is that to me?" you will ask. The answer is: very much! If love sorrow can be seen as a hormone roller coaster ride, then it is - biologically seen - only a question of time until a stable hormone state is restored. And indeed, life experience also shows that time heals all wounds. However, this time takes longer for one and shorter for the other. But you can do a lot to keep the heartbreak from fomenting it over and over again. For example, it is helpful to know that a separation of all people takes place in several phases.

Phase 1: The Non-Property Will

The familiar world suddenly breaks apart suddenly and lastingly. As in an accident, one is shocked at first. We do not yet want to deal with the consequences. So one gives oneself to the hope that it is only a misunderstanding or a temporary phenomenon. Because actually, you belong together.

Phase 2: The painful feelings

Denial is usually replaced by grief, despair, anger, aggression or helplessness. These painful feelings can be so bad that they almost seem to bury you. Men react differently to women at this stage. Men often have a hard time admitting their feelings to themselves. They can't show others that they're not doing well either. They prefer to plunge into their work or become susceptible to alcohol, for example. The attempt to maintain self-control and posture can force men to the point of collapse. This is then reflected in health consequences.

Women react more emotionally to separation. They cry, scream, despair. And the fact that her ex-partner feels so cold and apparently doesn't touch him, makes it even more painful. Women tend to bury themselves in their suffering.

Phase 3: The time of processing

It is a positive sign when freshly separated people are able to talk to friends about it again. These friends are now a great support in the time when everything has collapsed inside. They make you feel like you're not alone. They are also a great help in recognizing errors and points of criticism. In most cases, both partners are responsible for their share of the collapse. This insight is the prerequisite for the next phase.

Phase 4: Acceptance

Now the final release begins. The time of reorientation begins. Because a successful separation also offers the chance of a positive personal change.

As a general rule: After an intensive love relationship, the processing takes about half as long as the relationship time. The following suggestions are also important:

Don't re-enact the loss over and over again. Cause it's tearing open old wounds.

Concentrate on reality and don't imagine how beautiful this moment with your partner would be.

Decide to live - and not to suffer. You have the choice: you can despair and despair because your partner has left you and make this your attitude to life. But then you block yourself inside and repeat the same accusations over and over again. Or you can find yourself with the fact that in life there is also suffering, pain and injustice, but you still try to create and enjoy beautiful moments.


Copyright: Landeszentrale fuer Gesundheitsfoerderung in Rheinland-Pfalz e.V. (LZG) Germany